I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
