Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
