He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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