Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
