I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
