i just had sex bonerless
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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