i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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