I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
