im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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