I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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