Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I will pee on everything he values.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Drunk is not a location!
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
