He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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