Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
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