I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Randomize
