i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Randomize
