I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
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