DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
