If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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