I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
