okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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