I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
