I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
