I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I am midnight drunk by noon
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
