remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
