You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
