i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
