A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
