I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Houston, we have a squirter
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
