She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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