Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
My ass is underappreciated
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
