I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
