Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I think i got beer on your cat.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
