Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
If its not for food we ain't going out.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
