I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
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