somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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