I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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