Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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