i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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