Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
