i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
