I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
