Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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