i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Randomize
