Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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