at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
