New invention idea: vibrating tampons
we made out on top of his cat.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
