I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
