One girl and one boy is just not enough.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
