The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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