Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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